自語り部屋

I don't understand what friends are. Someone I thought was my friend recently started feeling like they aren't. I can't talk to them about my problems. I can't speak my true feelings. It's awkward to talk. They look at me with cold eyes. Are they really my friend? This doesn't feel like friendship. But they used to be. We could tell each other anything, and we'd talk for ages in front of my house after school. We got through a lot together back then, and we even went to the pool together. They used to be quite violent. I chose to endure it. But eventually, I couldn't take it anymore, and after not interacting for about a year, they came back having changed. Now, they aren't my friend. I recently realized I'm quite a jealous person. Originally, I was the one they talked to the most, and we were the closest, but the situation changed. Now, my friend talks to people from their club, and I hate it when they look my way and pretend not to see me. It's incredibly selfish, but this is my true feeling. However, when we talk normally, it feels like we're back to how we were. I feel sorry for myself for getting so angry and almost hating them behind their back. But then I think again. I'm really selfish and have a bad personality. What is a true friend? If this is what friendship feels like, then I don't need friends.

I have some documents I absolutely have to finish today, but they're seriously, really, REALLY annoying. I can't get myself to do it unless I hype myself up like I'm a gyaru just by changing the text. (← My resolution is so low, I claim to be a gyaru just by changing 'ji' to 'ji' with a different character)

When I was younger, my BMI was around 18, so I was on the thinner side. Now my BMI is 22, right in the middle of the standard weight range!! Because I compare it to the past, I feel like 'I've gained weight' in my current state, but the doctor told me, 'Your height and weight are looking good~'. I was thinking my double chin was bad, my belly was bad, and I might need to lose weight, but when they said that, I just thought, 'Maybe it's okay like this~✩'!! Doesn't that make you think that way!!

I used to love the thick Calpis you made by pouring milk into the Calpis concentrate. Also, that mysterious white lump left in your mouth after drinking Calpis. But I made it again recently after a long time, and it turned out watery, with nothing left in my mouth... Apparently, the company worked hard to prevent the lumps from forming. I kind of miss that texture though.

I'd like to join!! I haven't been very active lately.

I posted yesterday, right? I commented yesterday, right? With that expectation, I received the distribution gems, but the gems I got were less than yesterday... 😱AAAHHH

The idea that 'liking kids' and 'being good at parenting' are completely different things. I myself liked children enough to volunteer with them during my student days. Since I have two younger sisters, I was also good at taking care of younger ones. However, after actually having my own children and raising them, I keenly feel that I'm just not cut out for parenting. I hear that parenting has phases (infancy, toddlerhood, childhood, adolescence, etc.), and that people are better suited to different phases. I sometimes wonder if I just haven't reached my 'good phase' yet, but I still think that perhaps people who are good at raising children during the crucial infancy to toddlerhood stages are the ones who are truly 'suited' for it…

Ever since I had a kid, I feel like days where I'm like 'I'm feeling great today!' are nonexistent. I'm always tired, feeling unwell, or mentally drained... I just want that feeling of 'I can do anything!' back!!

Thank you in advance.

Haven't you heard people say, 'Since you're 〇〇, it's natural to 〇〇'? Like, 'Since you're the older sister, it's natural to just put up with it.' I really dislike that phrase. It feels like because of your position, something is just expected. 'Since you're on the central committee, it's natural you don't get late. It's natural you've submitted everything, right?' Sure, it's natural, but why is it natural for me when others aren't told that? I end up thinking... 'Because I'm important...'? 'Since you're the vice-president, it's natural you speak up. It's natural you don't miss meetings.' Yeah, that's true!!... But it's different. I want more praise... 'Since you're the conductor, it's natural you love singing. It's natural you're good at singing. It's natural you're good at conducting.' That's not it!! I might not love singing. I might not be good at singing. And my conducting skills are from practicing hard... Why don't people realize that? 'Since you're in the cheer squad, it's natural you're excited for the sports festival. It's natural you cheer loudly. It's natural you lead everyone.' Yeah... that's true, but... Why does it become natural??