絶望のその先で

I actually feel pretty good. It's relatively easy when I lie down, so I want to do various things. But just getting up to make and eat a simple meal... That alone makes it so hard to breathe that I can't even keep my upper body up unless I push myself. Is this a curse!? 👊💢 I can almost hear a mischievous god laughing. There's so much I want to do, so much I want to do... Damn it all‼️😫

It's certainly painful. It's better not to despair, but... Being able to struggle, to feel pain and frustration and struggle, is proof of life. It's proof that you have the strength to fight your way out of despair. Living with despair requires immense energy. It's proof that you still have that strength. That alone is amazing. I know this because I once fell from despair into complete 'disappointment,' to a place where even despair had burned out. Being able to despair isn't entirely a bad thing. So, sometimes, even while struggling through pain, praise yourself for being 'alive'. That said... Nobody wants to stay in pain forever, right? I don't want to return to a white, soft, quiet, and gentle world with nothing in it on my own, but it's a little scary that I sometimes still feel like I'm about to fall into it when my strength runs out. Well, with Bosuki around, nothing serious is likely to happen, though.

It's getting tough again... I have to take my pre-sleep meds And use my Terilzi inhaler Move, body! Is it time for my Ventolin again? 😭

Sure, it's been a while since being unwell became the default! I'm used to being in pain, I guess! But because I was feeling relatively okay for the past few days, it's even more infuriating. This morning, I felt like I had no strength in my body and was experiencing strange contractions and discomfort, and it turned out to be an asthma attack. Even when I'm not having an attack, it feels like embers are constantly smoldering. When an attack happens, it's not bad enough to rush to the hospital, but it gets difficult enough to make moving around painful. With my Ventolin inhaler and deep breaths, it feels like it'll subside if I just stay still, and it actually does, which is the worst part. This asthma, which is subtly~ and long~ly painful, and flares up quite severely every now and then when I least expect it... it's truly Annoying!! I can't even look for a proper job like this. Why is it like this... Just yesterday, I felt so good, even feeling light on my feet despite not being fully well. I haven't forgotten my medication or my inhaler, so why... I feel pathetic and frustrated.